Direct Addresses, RE: The Season So Far

Knicks

You wanted Chris Paul.  He declared, "Whosoever shall bringeth Tyson Chandler unto them, shall also bringeth mine generosity unto thee."  You paid too much for Chandler, then had no cap space for Paul.  Something that would only happen in New York.  I'm glad Tyson Chandler was rewarded for his defensive leadership with a good contract, but you are still a below-average defensive team.  I have two theories as to why:  your players are too young and athletic for Chandler to marshal, or, defense has been outlawed in the state of New York for some time—I watched the Rucker Park tapes this summer. Rest assured, Knicks, no team in the Eastern Conference will threaten you for that seventh spot.

JaVale McGee

"You gotta love a guy who maintains this much swagger despite his team being one-and-eleven," JaVale Magee said to himself.  This post-swat stroll, in essence, is why you'll lose your starting job to Jan Vesely if you get injured—or by March, whichever comes first.  JaVale, be wary if you find yourself alone in a room with Bill Russell.  He's going to murder you with a rusty ice pick for this crap.

Ricky Rubio, Skinny Kevin Love

Ricky, if you lose that Spanish beard, you'll bear a strong resemblance to Pete Maravich.  I'm not sure this is a coincidence.  Regardless, you're legit.  If only Jonny Flynn had been this legit.  It will be surprising if you guys can make the playoffs this year, but Adelman is as smart as Rambis was goofy-looking in the '80s, so you should start winning soon.  Skinny Kevin Love, shooting three-pointers is a very sexy thing to do in Minneapolis, yes I know, we all remember Wally Szczerbiak.  You shoot the three very well, but you pull down offensive rebounds even better, and offensive rebounds are sexy too.  Would Rodman have done it if it weren't sexy?  The last thing the T'Wolves need is another guy who is confident in his three-point shooting capabilities.  Stand under the cup, and let the other guys throw up the bricks.

Bulls & Thunder

Your consistent winning is starting to get boring.  Watching the players in your large active rotations all play like starters is like watching the Spurs, if the Spurs had a cavalcade of dynamic, intoxicating personalities in their rotation.  So actually, it's nothing like watching the Spurs.  Regardless, the predictability of your teams' winning is getting old.  Bulls, start John Lucas III for a while, just to keep it interesting.  Thunder, see if you can contrive more arguments centered around Sefolosha not shooting the rock.

Dirk Nowitzki

It was nice watching you detlef-schrempf all over the Heat last year.  You're still relevant in Germany and Dallas, I'm sure.

Deron Williams

Speaking of relevance, Deron, I think your former team was making a subtle jab here about the trajectory of yours.  I've been to Turkey and Jersey.  I know where I'd be right now, given the choice.  You just can't manage to get away from Okur, can you?

LA Area NBA Franchises
The results of the Chris Paul trades certainly brought forth a reversal of fortunes.  Who is the best team in LA?  I don't live near LA anymore, I don't care.  I did, however, notice that Blake Griffin dunking a lot while playing for a losing team is somehow more interesting to watch than Blake Griffin dunking slightly less while playing on a winning team.

Heat

Congrats.  You did the math during the off-season that led you to realizing the possible value if you can invert the ratio of LeBron post-ups (0) to unnecessary LeBron three-point attempts per game (3.5).  Now you're reaping the benefits of that equation.  Somehow, I think your four losses so far this season could be attributed to you guys being too good.  I don't know how, but that's my guess.  Good to see you got the Bosh back.  I'm looking forward to some Norris Cole action in the playoffs.

Those Guarding LeBron

If at any point you see a large number six positioned towards you, don't think about what you can do to stop it from coming, think about what you did to put yourself in such a place of unfavorable consequence.  Then do the respectable thing and feign injury.  Don't let them take your dignity.