The Dunk / Straight-to-Netflix-Instant: Bulls vs. Heat

If you didn't watch the Bulls-Heat game this morning, you don't like basketball.  This game was an Eastern Conference Finals re-match and probably pre-match, because I have to imagine these two teams can only be beat by one another in the 2012 NBA Playoffs.  I hope I've shown myself to be a reasonably unbiased man despite my penchant for constantly ejaculating personal preferences in an admittedly tyrannical fashion, but I hate the Heat.  Unless you live in the bottom half of Florida (and even then, it's questionable), you probably hate the Heat too.  And if you’re like me, you probably hate them as much as the Lakers, or the Celtics before they became geriatrics.  Or you hate them like I'd hate the present-day Knicks, were they competent.  Like I'll probably hate the Clippers next year—or after hearing moniker "Lob City" enough times, whichever comes first.  And if you're like me, you root against the Heat like you root against any team that conspires to stack their team with a surplus of talent.  But I digress.  Despite my principled hatred for the Heat, I can't help but whoop at their redunkulousness.  If the Clippers govern Lob City, the Heat oversee Lob Country.  And if today's win over Chicago is evidence of anything, it's that god wants them to win the championship.

Despite the updated Chicago and Miami rosters, this game was a little too reminiscent of Bulls-Heat games from last year, which all generally followed similar storylines wherein the Heat appear dominant for the first 43 minutes of regulation despite only being ahead by a small margin, until Derrick Rose, with less than five minutes left in the game, sharts out his game-long funk and leads the Bulls in a frantic comeback, like he’s done so many times before.  Meanwhile, LeBron James—regardless of how dominant he'd been for the majority of the game—with less than five minutes left, turns into Jerome James, like he’s done so many times.

Frankly, I'm a little suspicious that the NBA didn't just re-cut a conference finals game from last year, editing out the parts where LeBron shoots three-pointers, then adding in Rip Hamilton in a Bulls' jersey, digitally, kind of like George Lucas did with Jabba the Hutt for the 20th Anniversary theatrical re-release of Star Wars.  This was a good game, but it still felt like a waste of money (even though I watched it on ABC), kind of like how the 20th Anniversary theatrical re-release of Star Wars was a good movie, but still felt like a waste of money (even though I watched it on ABC).

The last half-minute of the game, though, was really the story of the game, though it should be stricken from the record.  With Derrick Rose heading to the free throw line, the Bulls down 93-94, I was prepared for an exciting finish.  Instead we got the type of finish you'd see in a college game.  The last thirty seconds of the game were saturated in folly.  Let me summarize it for you: Derrick Rose bricked two free throws, LeBron bricked two free throws, the ref interrupted the most vital play of the game with an inadvertent whistle then used a center-court jump ball to gloss over it, LeBron may or may not have stolen the tip, Mario Chalmers bricked a free throw to leave the garage door open, Carlos Boozer got the rebound but dropped the ball while trying to call a timeout, Derrick Rose came up with the ball and called a timeout while somehow not being called for traveling, then bricked a floater (very appropriately) at the free throw line on the ensuing play.  The end.  As the credits rolled up, LeBron and Dwyane Wade exchanged simultaneous looks of confusion and relief, like those we've seen so many times in a freeze-frame of a married sitcom couple at the end of the episode.  Because the end dropped out of this otherwise great game so horribly, you won’t see it on ESPN Classic’s Instant Classics.  Though, you may find the taped broadcast in the late-night comedy section of Netflix’s Instant archives, because if this game were a movie, it would have been a straight-to-Netflix-Instant release.

Still, the game had some clairvoyance.  Derrick Rose is still autonomous within the Bulls’ offense.  Meaning, they don’t function together.  Like the guy who used to dribble the texture off the rock on West Madison street during the late-‘80s, Rose is playing too much road construction basketball—one guy dribbling, four guys watching.  When has there been an NBA Champion that started a team of four and a team of one simultaneously?  The Bulls will be stopped in the 2012 Playoffs, for the same reasons they were stopped in the 2011 Playoffs—road construction basketball.  Then there’s the Heat.  They’re intrinsically good.  They can’t lose even when it looks as if they’re trying to.  It pains me more than anybody to drop the rhyme, but the Heat are the team to beat.

Lastly, what kind of a person would I be if I didn’t touch on The Dunk?  LeBron actually did the same dunk on Friday night against the Knicks.  Observe:

But look here, when I say the Heat are redunkulous, I mean they jump over the sons of former NBA players.  They don’t give an F!  Ri-dunk-u-lous!  Observe how much tighter this dunk is when you insert the son of a former NBA player under LeBron:

It’s too early in the season to predict an MVP, but I’ve already called the trophy shop and had them engrave the plaque that I’ll personally present to LeBron James when I proclaim him MVP of Jumping Over People While Dunking.  I know you’re thinking about the Nate Robinson dunk over 6'11" Dwight Howard, but that doesn’t count because the dunk didn’t take place in an actual game.  Same goes for his dunk over 5'7" Spud Webb (which, somehow, is better than the Dwight Howard dunk).  The previous MVP of Jumping Over People While Dunking is, of course, Vince Carter.  Carter loses the title for two reasons.  One: a U.S. player dunking over a guy in the Olympics is only slightly (if at all) more credible than dunking over a guy in the dunk contest.  And two: the alley-oop added a degree of difficulty to LeBron’s dunk.  LeBron’s dunk made me wonder if an NBA game has ever ended, not in a dunk, but because of a dunk.  If this dunk had happened during a game at Rucker Park or in the Drew League (and maybe it has), that would’ve been game right there.  Even if the clock were only at 5:02 in the first quarter.  This is the dunk to beat.  Shut it down.

Michael Jordan Existentialism

If you have Yahoo! set as your homepage like I do, you probably saw the blurb about Michael Jordan naming "only one" player as his equal.  Now, I know what you're thinking.  Why do you have Yahoo! set as your homepage?  Because I don't want to miss out on a Cate Blanchett photo retrospective that features red carpet shots of her at the Oscars from 1997 to present day—but I'm getting off topic here.  I'm not surprised to hear that Jordan is impressed by Kobe Bryant's work ethic.  Even I am impressed by Kobe's work ethic and his regeneration, and I've hated him since he took Brandy to the prom.  I am, however, incensed by how viral a story this has become, considering it was born out of a couple paraphrased tweets.  

I first read about these tweets on Yahoo!, then saw a handful of similar articles that reported on the same two tweets from sportswriter, Roland Lazenby.  Then I googled "jordan thinks only kobe compares," and found enough matching items that I stopped clicking next after the fifth page of results.  Today, all I've read about on the internet is SOPA/PIPA and this Jordan story.  I'm not sure who I should be scoffing at here, but I'm definitely scoffing.  It blows my mind that a couple of tweets from a sportswriter who most of us have probably never heard of could cause this many ripples.


And the tweets don't even include a direct quote from Jordan!  Let's be clear; if we're accepting Lazenby's retelling of his conversation with Jordan, this is a qualified compliment to Kobe.  You think Jordan would give an unqualified compliment?  Oh think again, brother.  Michael Jordan is the Michael Jordan of qualified compliments.  Jordan didn't say, "Kobe is the only one that compares."  He said, "Kobe is the only one to have done enough work to deserve the comparison."  This sounds like a confession Jordan gave begrudgingly after having been tied up, beaten, and deprived of food and water for an entire week in Lazenby's remote cabin at the foothills of Appalachia.   

I don't know if you can tell , but the gee dee Roland Lazenby tweets are forcing me into an existential crisis.  Who am I mad at here?  Kobe?  Jordan?  The virality of the present world?  What I really want to say is, who in the ewing is Roland Lazenby, that a  non-direct Jordan quote from him becomes a decree?  Truthfully, I don't doubt that Jordan said what Lazenby tweeted.  Truthfully, I hate myself when I'm writing about tweets.

I don't know who I'm mad at, or even, if I'm mad.  Somehow, I think there's a subtext about religion in here.  It's hard for me to talk theoretically or philosophically about basketball without mentioning The Jordan.  That's because, if basketball is a religion he is its deity.  In the same way that it's hard to talk about the Bible without bringing up Jesus, it's hard to talk about basketball without mentioning Jordan.  Therefore, anything He says, or is rumored to have said—backhanded or not—is inherently interesting.  If this situation is an indication of anything, it's that anything Michael Jordan says—or, says privately to a friend, who then tweets it in his own words—is news.  If Jesus privately tells Roland Lazenby who the next Jordan is, you can bet that Lazenby's tweet about it will go viral.

Direct Addresses, RE: The Season So Far

Knicks

You wanted Chris Paul.  He declared, "Whosoever shall bringeth Tyson Chandler unto them, shall also bringeth mine generosity unto thee."  You paid too much for Chandler, then had no cap space for Paul.  Something that would only happen in New York.  I'm glad Tyson Chandler was rewarded for his defensive leadership with a good contract, but you are still a below-average defensive team.  I have two theories as to why:  your players are too young and athletic for Chandler to marshal, or, defense has been outlawed in the state of New York for some time—I watched the Rucker Park tapes this summer. Rest assured, Knicks, no team in the Eastern Conference will threaten you for that seventh spot.

JaVale McGee

"You gotta love a guy who maintains this much swagger despite his team being one-and-eleven," JaVale Magee said to himself.  This post-swat stroll, in essence, is why you'll lose your starting job to Jan Vesely if you get injured—or by March, whichever comes first.  JaVale, be wary if you find yourself alone in a room with Bill Russell.  He's going to murder you with a rusty ice pick for this crap.

Ricky Rubio, Skinny Kevin Love

Ricky, if you lose that Spanish beard, you'll bear a strong resemblance to Pete Maravich.  I'm not sure this is a coincidence.  Regardless, you're legit.  If only Jonny Flynn had been this legit.  It will be surprising if you guys can make the playoffs this year, but Adelman is as smart as Rambis was goofy-looking in the '80s, so you should start winning soon.  Skinny Kevin Love, shooting three-pointers is a very sexy thing to do in Minneapolis, yes I know, we all remember Wally Szczerbiak.  You shoot the three very well, but you pull down offensive rebounds even better, and offensive rebounds are sexy too.  Would Rodman have done it if it weren't sexy?  The last thing the T'Wolves need is another guy who is confident in his three-point shooting capabilities.  Stand under the cup, and let the other guys throw up the bricks.

Bulls & Thunder

Your consistent winning is starting to get boring.  Watching the players in your large active rotations all play like starters is like watching the Spurs, if the Spurs had a cavalcade of dynamic, intoxicating personalities in their rotation.  So actually, it's nothing like watching the Spurs.  Regardless, the predictability of your teams' winning is getting old.  Bulls, start John Lucas III for a while, just to keep it interesting.  Thunder, see if you can contrive more arguments centered around Sefolosha not shooting the rock.

Dirk Nowitzki

It was nice watching you detlef-schrempf all over the Heat last year.  You're still relevant in Germany and Dallas, I'm sure.

Deron Williams

Speaking of relevance, Deron, I think your former team was making a subtle jab here about the trajectory of yours.  I've been to Turkey and Jersey.  I know where I'd be right now, given the choice.  You just can't manage to get away from Okur, can you?

LA Area NBA Franchises
The results of the Chris Paul trades certainly brought forth a reversal of fortunes.  Who is the best team in LA?  I don't live near LA anymore, I don't care.  I did, however, notice that Blake Griffin dunking a lot while playing for a losing team is somehow more interesting to watch than Blake Griffin dunking slightly less while playing on a winning team.

Heat

Congrats.  You did the math during the off-season that led you to realizing the possible value if you can invert the ratio of LeBron post-ups (0) to unnecessary LeBron three-point attempts per game (3.5).  Now you're reaping the benefits of that equation.  Somehow, I think your four losses so far this season could be attributed to you guys being too good.  I don't know how, but that's my guess.  Good to see you got the Bosh back.  I'm looking forward to some Norris Cole action in the playoffs.

Those Guarding LeBron

If at any point you see a large number six positioned towards you, don't think about what you can do to stop it from coming, think about what you did to put yourself in such a place of unfavorable consequence.  Then do the respectable thing and feign injury.  Don't let them take your dignity.  

Don't Call It a Comeback

I wanted to give NBA teams a short grace period to regain their smoove before I started digging in, but there doesn't appear to be any forthcoming dissolution to the bad defense, worse offense, poor free throw shooting (as record-setting as it may be), early-season injuries, overblown forty-point Kobe Bryant performances, rampant thirty-point losses, or the New Jersey Nets, in general.  At least the lockout hasn't had any lasting impact so far.  Don't call it a comeback.